


Road Trip

by VaultOfMelkurMistress



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Bickering, Comedy, F/M, Humor, Lighthearted, Missy annoying Nardole, Vault era road trip, just a fun story, mcdonalds, museum, out of the vault, theme park, there will be soft Twissy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:54:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22175887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VaultOfMelkurMistress/pseuds/VaultOfMelkurMistress
Summary: Missy, Bill and Nardole on a Road Trip to find the Doctor. It's pure comedy and will run for a few chapters.------“I am not, some kind of butler Missy!” Nardole said, offended. “And we are not stealing cars and hypnotising people.“Yes you are, and fine, do it the hard way. I’ll sit over here and wait, and wait..and wait...and wait, while you study for a driving licence,” she said with an amused laugh. “We could be on the road having an incredibly irritating trip together by now if you’d just listen to Missy.”-----
Relationships: Twelfth Doctor/Missy
Comments: 21
Kudos: 68
Collections: Twissy Stories





	1. Motorway Service Station

**Author's Note:**

> I've driven to a lot of conventions and events in Missy cosplay, and at a motorway service station, this fic came into my head.

_It was Nardole's worst nightmare. Well, truth be told, there were a few worse case scenarios that could qualify for that title, but the Doctor taking a sneaky trip in his TARDIS, having a major malfunction and being unable to return, at the same time as a mysterious alien intelligence starts infiltrating Bristol - that was right at the top of the list. He planned it, thought it through, panicked about it. Missy, the Doctor had said, would be quite reasonable and cooperative about the whole thing, he was sure. Nardole, was not at all reassured.  
_

_He took a deep breath, and went inside the vault._

Missy stared at him as if he were speaking an untranslatable language. 

“I’m not leaving.”

“Missy!” Nardole exclaimed in frustration. “We have to leave, now. It’s very important!”

“And go where? I do take this oath the Doctor made seriously!” she said, giving him a look of utter distaste.

“Yes, and admirable as that is, you have to come out, through this open door right here and leave with us. We need to get a car, and we are going to drive across the country to find the Doctor.”

Missy stared at Nardole in some doubt and made a big show of standing up and walking purposefully across to the small chest of drawers, pulling out the psychic paper and sending a message to the Doctor. 

Nardole stood awkwardly wondering how he could possibly convince her.

“Oh,” she said. “He’s not responding. He always responds, with things like; ‘this is hardly the time Missy’, ‘do you think this a hotel,’ ‘don’t use that against me, that’s emotional blackmail,’ that sort of thing. Radio silence, is not a response I have ever had. So he really has gone and gotten himself in trouble.”

“Yes,” Nardole said, breathing a sigh of relief that he was finally getting somewhere, followed by a flash of abject panic that he would actually be taking Missy out of the vault.

“We have to get the Doctor back here as fast as possible.”

Missy tutted and gave a sardonic laugh.

“And you need me, because the Doctor has swanned off on some excursion, and now his TARDIS is on strike and won’t move so you need a cleverer Time Lord to fix this ridiculous mess?”

“Well, yes. Right now, with the Doctor sneaking off and getting stuck, you are the cleverer one - scarily clever, but also evil, very evil. Can’t forget that part,” he said, sounding more and more nervous by the second.

It had taken far longer than Nardole assumed. It turned out that Bill didn’t drive, and he certainly didn't have the right ID to hire a car. Missy had sat bored in the Doctor's chair behind his desk, watching them both incredulously.

“No, no, no,” she said in a thoroughly chastising tone. “All these silly hoops you are trying to jump through. You really are making this hard. _Steal_ a car. I’ll drive. If authorities stop us, I’ll simply hypnotize them, then we find the Doctor, fix this crisis that’s too boring to mention in any great detail, and get back in time for you to bring me tea.”

“I am not, some kind of _butler_ Missy!” Nardole said, offended. “And we are _not_ stealing cars and hypnotising people.

“Yes you are, and fine, do it the hard way. I’ll sit over here and wait, and wait..and wait...and _wait,_ while you study for a driving licence,” she said with an amused laugh. “We could be on the road having an incredibly irritating trip together by now if you’d just _listen to Missy.”_

Nardole sighed and looked at Bill, whispering, “she does have a point about that. I can drive a car easily enough, fake ID won’t take long, then we can hire one - but she could just do this much quicker.”

“Sorry?” Missy said, putting her hand to her ear. “What was that? Oh you’re right Missy, well done, you’re so clever and we should always listen to your wisdom? _Yeah_. Thought so.”

Bill looked at Nardole incredulously. “How long is this drive going to be?”

“Over four hours if we don’t stop - won’t that be fun dear?” Missy said, smiling in amusement. 

“Fun,” Nardole muttered under his breath. “ _Fun_.”

**Two hours later.**

“I don’t like this trip at all. Why not just use my TARDIS?” she said, boredom driving her to despair.

“You have a TARDIS?” Bill asked. “Like the Doctor’s? Do you have it parked somewhere?”

“ _No,_ ” said Missy in disgust. “Not like the Doctor’s! Much, much better than the Doctor’s, and yes, it’s parked _right_ inside the vault, I keep all my handy devices and _weapons_ right inside.”

Missy laughed and Bill looked terrified as Nardole swerved the car suddenly, narrowly avoiding going off the road.

“That’s a joke, she’s joking, she doesn’t have a TARDIS in there, and definitely no weapons she could kill us with - you don’t do you? Are you armed? Right now?” Nardole said, his voice barely concealing a rising panic.

Missy smirked at him through the drivers rear view mirror, “ _maybe,_ maybe not. Who wants to play a fun game of finding out if one of my 97 hair pins is actually a lethal device.”

Nardole let out a frustrated sigh and returned his focus to the road, his stress levels through the roof as Bill found herself unable to keep her eyes off of Missy’s hair, desperately trying to count how many hair pins she really did have, and if any one of them looked lethal.

“Fuel,” Nardole said in disgust, glaring at the dashboard and cursing the vehicle for its limitations.

“There’s a service station up ahead,” Bill said. “Two miles away, might not be another one for a while.”

Missy, who had been staring out of the window in total disinterest, turned to look at her quizzically, as Nardole simultaneously met her eyes through the mirror.

“We need to stop - for fuel...and maybe the toilet,” Bill said, confused by their reactions.

“Service - refuelling, good, I’ll go there,” he said, changing lanes and preparing for the exit.

Missy sighed in boredom and continued staring out of the window until they pulled off of the road and were thrown into utter confusion. The entire scene made Missy stare at Nardole and laugh.

“Cars - we’re in a car, we follow that lane,” Bill said. “Nardole, no, that’s for trucks! Left, go left - no.”

Missy sniggered at Nardole’s thoroughly annoyed expression, but her interest was soon peaked when they parked and she glimpsed into the building.

“What is this place?” Nardole asked.

“It’s just a service station - food places, coffee, toilets, nothing exciting,” Bill explained.

“Oh, well, we can get some food and be on our way then, no need for Missy to..” he froze as he glanced in the mirror to the startling realization that she was already out of the car. “...get out of the car. _Missy_!”

Nardole scrambled out of the car, with Bill dashing to catch up with him as he walked quickly toward the service station, trying to keep Missy in his line of sight without making a scene.

“She’s not gonna start killing everyone...right?” Bill asked, realising they had lost her.

“She’s _Missy_ …..” Nardole hissed, breathing a sigh of relief as he saw her come out of the toilets and head straight to the shop, picking up an animal shaped travel pillow and putting it around her neck before grabbing all manner of items and holding them in a bundle in her arms.

“Err...Missy, put all that back, we have to refuel and get moving,” he said.

Missy’s eyes lit up and she thrust the collection of unnecessary potential purchases into Bill’s arms as she spotted the sweet aisle. Dashing over, she grabbed as many packets of Jelly Babies, rainbow laces and fizzy snakes as she could carry and looked at Nardole with a delighted smile.

“Money?” she asked. “Or I could do it the old fashioned way.”

“No! Definitely not the old fashioned way - and you can’t have all of this!” he said.

“What’s the old fashioned way?” whispered Bill.

“No idea but it can’t be good,” he whispered back. 

“Fine, I’ll go and get money - hold this, she said, piling the many bags of sweets on top of the awkward pile of gifts.

“Missy,” Nardole hissed as she laughed and clapped her hands before breaking into a skip as she headed straight to the area marked ‘no under 18’s’ and began to work the fruit machines one by one. 

Nardole and Bill stared in amazement as Missy stood casually by the machines, sliding her bracelet across the button marked ‘collect’ and instantly causing each machine to empty it’s payout immediately. By the third machine, Nardole was still staring and Bill had turned to read the instructions on the coffee machine intently, pretending she wasn’t with Missy. That worked just fine until Missy happily strode back over and went straight to the desk, pulling fistfuls of coins from the seemingly unlimited pockets of her jacket. 

Bill instinctively followed her and let the items drop to the counter. 

The shop assistant shrugged, counting the coins and handed Missy a receipt which she stared at, confused, before letting it fall to the counter. Nardole hurried over and picked up the receipt, wondering whether they could really return any of Missy’s toys once she invariably grew bored with them on the trip, given that they were bought with stolen money.

Missy thrust all of her purchases into Nardole’s arms with a smile and headed straight to the Mcdonald’s ordering screens, tapping through the menus and making her selections in record speed.

“I suppose you’re hungry pet? Human’s need a lot of snack breaks - you’ll probably have to sleep in a minute too. I don’t know how you get anything done. Happy meal?”

“Well, I’m hungry...but are you paying for this this time?” Bill whispered, glancing around guiltily.

“Fries or fruit bag?” Missy asked, ignoring her.

“I don’t want a happy meal…” Bill began.

“Too late, how about you Nardy?”

Nardole dumped the loot on a nearby table and stepped closed, speaking in a hushed voice. Missy merely giggled at the infuriated look on his face.

“No, I don’t want a Happy Meal!” Nardole said. 

“Ok, plain hamburger or with cheese?” she replied, happily ignoring him too.

“At least we’ll be able to drive the rest of the way without another stop….just order an ordinary burger, for grown ups,” he said.

“Ok, cheese with fries, no additional fruit bag for you OR a toy, with that attitude,” she said, highly amused by herself.

She completed the order, was horrified to discover that there was no table service, and promptly hypnotised the staff to bring the food her table regardless. Nardole stared hard at a cardboard advert on the table and pretended he didn't see a thing. When the food arrived, Missy made a great show of removing the toy from Nardole's box and placed it inside her own with a very smug smile. 

"Did you just...steal my toy?!" he exclaimed in disgust. 

"Yes, I did because you were quite rude and impatient so now you get none and I get two!"

Bill stared at them both in utter disbelief.


	2. Gotta Catch 'em All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am now playing Clash Royale because of this fic.

Nardole glared at Missy through the rear view mirror - a pillow around her neck - in the shape of some kind of mammal usually kept as pets by humans, stuffed toys stacked up around her, unnecessary gadgets and stacks and stacks of sweets. It was a recipe for disaster.  
  
“No more sweets Missy - you’ve eaten far too much sugar already for any living person...and is that...hand over that iPhone! You’ll be hacking the entire planet’s internet systems!”

“I have died, many times, and that means I can handle sugar far better than all the boring living people out there who have never died, and no! It’s mine! I got a great deal on this phone.”

“That makes no sense at all and it’s not a great deal if you stole it!”

“Well, yes, I’m hardly going to put down a deposit and sign a contract am I? Human limitations are _hilarious_!”

“Hand that over Missy! Bill, grab it!”  
  
“Err..no, don’t think that’s wise,” Bill said as she glanced at Missy and received an absolute death glare in response.  
  
“Relax, you were in such a rush to go on this ridiculous road trip that you didn’t give me time to get my tablet and I am rather addicted to Candy Crush...and I need to kick off useless players on Missy’s Murderous Clan on Clash Royale and I have a thriving town I intend to have fun ruining and I must check on my Diner - or the evil rival diner owner will sabotage my business! If you have a heart...I don’t know..do you? But anyway, have a heart of _some_ kind because I dont have my Nintendo either! If I don’t play Nintendogs every day my virtual dogs get sad and listless.”

“You are completely addicted to these games! I’m having a stern word with the Doctor!” Nardole exclaimed.

“You do that Nardy, I’m sure he will listen and do exactly what you want. He’s renowned for that,” Missy said with a smirk. “Oh, but when you do, can you tell him I can’t access my Nintendogs from here and I am deeply concerned for the welfare of my pups.”

Nardole stared in disbelief at her in the rear view mirror before Bill shouted as he swerved the car.

“Nardole, keep your eyes on the road, I don’t want to die on this road trip!” Bill said, 

“Four more hours,” Nardole muttered in distaste under his breath. “It’s like an endurance test.”

Missy started singing.

Bill didn’t recognise the song at first - or the next one, or the next. She ignored her at first, then glanced, then openly frowned. Then she looked amazed as Missy went through a whole medley of songs, some of which Bill knew - not that she wanted to join in. However alluring Missy’s voice suddenly seemed. 

“When are we making the next stop?” Missy said, abruptly ceasing her repertoire.

“We are making no more stops!” Nardole said.

“Well,” Missy said, in a sing song voice. “That’s what _yoooou_ think!”

“We are driving straight there and not stopping once.”

“Ok, but the human will need the toilet, probably a nap, and you...do you need the toilet? Or you may need...oil? You might get rusted up sitting in one place too long.”

“That’s none of your business Missy! But for the record, I went before we left, so I absolutely will not need to go again.”

“Well that’s good then, you carry on dear,” Missy said, her attention fully focused on the screen again as she began swiping with her finger.

Nardole enjoyed approximately nine minutes and four seconds of peace and quiet. 

“STOPPPP!” Missy yelled with a sense of great urgency. 

Nardole slammed the breaks on, swerving the car off of the motorway lane and onto the hard shoulder, with a loud bang. Bill grabbed the edge of the seat, desperate to hold on to something, her eyes wide with shock, breathing fast as the car came to sudden stop with a lurch.

“What...what..” she said.

“Missy...why…” Nardole began, his hands still gripping the steering wheel in a death grip, staring straight ahead. “Why did you...do that...if one of your Nintendogs got hungry..”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, giving him a look of utter astonishment as she took her off her seat belt and bounced up and down as she swiped at her screen. “It’s far more serious...wait..one…..second….YESSS! A special limited time _purple_ _Blastoise_!”

“A...Blast…?” Bill said, still gripping her seat as she looked for Missy to Nardole. 

“Blastoise,” Missy said, tapping her screen and looking absolutely delighted with herself. 

“Missy,” Nardole said, through gritted teeth. “Is that a _Pokemon_? Did you just cause this car to blow a tyre so you could _catch a Pokemon_?”

“Well yes,” Missy said, glancing up with a broad smile. “Much harder to catch regional limited colour ones in the vault, they keep blocking my GPS hack. This is FUN! Drive on, what’ll I catch next?!”

“I can’t... _drive on_ Missy,” he said, staring at her, his annoyance through the roof. “We've blown a tyre, we can’t drive anywhere now.”

“Oh, well, fix that in a few minutes while I catch the others nearby then drive up to the gym ahead,” she held out her phone, helpfully. “Just around the next corner please.”

Nardole snatched her phone.

“I am not your butler. OR your driver. OR your designated Pokemon assistant!”

“NO such thing as a Designated Pokeon Assistant, stop being silly,” she said.

“We have to call someone,” Bill said, ignoring them both.

“We have to shrink Nardy to the size of a doll dear, because he took my phone,” Missy said, smirking at him.

“Ok. I have had enough of this!” Bill said. “We have to call for help, get the tyre repaired and just...drive. Nardole, give her her phone back, you're the only one who can drive so she can’t shrink you. Missy, don’t distract him or startle him when he’s driving.”

“Well, aren’t you all confident and in charge pet,” Missy said. 

“I think it’s the shock, but as you are both listening for once - stop fighting like children. Nardole, call the RAC and Missy...just...play quietly.”

Nardole turned in his seat and stared at her then met Missy’s eyes. Missy giggled and focused on her game, ignoring the entire situation.

“Why does she get to just sit there and….catch imaginary creatures?”

“Imaginary?” Missy said, flitting her eyes up to him with a knowing smirk. “Or _are they_?”

“Of course they are, it’s a game - using maps and...and it’s a game! Isn’t it?” he looked at Bill then back at Missy. 

Missy smirked as she continued playing and Bill simply shook her head, wondering how she ended up the responsible adult when one of the people in the car was as old as the Doctor...however old the Doctor actually was. 

“Nardole, RAC,” she said, exasperated. 

“OK, yeah...what’s an RAC?” Nardole asked.

“If it’s a legendary, we are tracking it down, I can tell you that!” Missy said, not even looking up. 

“Breakdown recovery!” Bill exclaimed. “Or we learn how to change a tyre - there’s probably one in the back.”

“Oh, I’ll just learn how to change a tyre then,” Nardole said. “I don’t even legally have a diving licence!”

“Oh now you're really being silly,” Missy scoffed. “I didn’t legally rule England for a few months in 1482, but it didn’t stop ME.”

“What were you doing with England in 1482?” He asked.

“Amusing things,” Missy said, winking.

“Nardole _focus_. Missy, play,” Bill said, to be met with a scowl from Nardole and a happy smile from Missy. 

Bill made a call, pacing up and down beside the car and glancing in, checking that they had listened to her; not making eye contact with each other, even for a second, rule. She sighed as she opened the car door and dropped back into her seat. 

“Did you find a legendary RAC out there?” Missy said, smirking.

“They’ll be with us in five hours,” Bill said.

“Five...no, we can’t stay here for five hours!” Nardole exclaimed. 

“Oh, that’s not acceptable, my devices will run out of charge!” Missy said in agreement.

“Well the alternative is we learn how to fix a tyre,” Bill said. 

“Oh _ok_ ,” Missy said, putting her phone down. “I’ll do it. But only because I’m worried about my farm and my battery won’t last that long.”

“You _seriously..._ ” Nardole hissed. “Do you seriously mean to say that you KNOW how to change a tyre and you’re only telling us now?”

“Well yes, I was busy, go get the spare wheel out of the back - and a blanket for me to kneel on, and gloves - my manicure won’t withstand changing a wheel. Oh and a latte, and a sausage roll. Crisps and a cookie while you’re at it. Thanks ever so.”

“I..am NOT...” He exclaimed, storming out of the car to wrench the boot open. “NOT.... YOUR PERSONAL SHOPPER.”

“Yes,” she said, amused. “Yes you are.”


	3. Castle Dungeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12 will be in the story eventually. He's only on the phone in this chapter, but they are getting closer to him. Please enjoy Missy and Nardole, Bill wishing she was not on this road trip putting up with all this, some hypnosis and a visit to a castle.

Nardole took slow, deep breaths as he drove on - a frown on his face as he focused on the road ahead, to the soundtrack of Pokeballs and small gasps of joy from the back seat. He resisted the urge to look through the rear view mirror for over thirty minutes until finally, Bill’s voice caught his attention.

“We’ve had some delays, we left 3 hours ago and we’ve only gone 30 miles. Yeah...yeah, everyone’s...mostly..fine,” Bill said.

“Is that the Doctor?” Nardole asked.

“Why are you like this?” Missy said, without looking up from her phone 

“Like. What. Missy?” he replied, through gritted teeth.

“That. Exactly like _that_. Why are you...oh never mind, I don’t want to know, it’ll be boring. I need to speak to the Doctor, give him my new number so he can ring me.”

“Well, she does..yeah...we made a stop - not for shopping, look Doctor, I didn’t even ask to come on his trip!”

“Put him on speaker,” Nardole said. 

“Hi honey! I’m coming to save the day!” Missy said. “And I have wonderful news!”

“What is your news Missy?” the Doctor asked.

“It’s about Pokemon, or pretend dogs,” Nardole huffed. 

“Actually,” she said, sounding utterly indignant. “I already saved the day multiple times, _so_ with all this warming up I shall be very ready to save _your_ day too. I have fed the pets and fixed the ridiculous earth vehicle we are so _snugly_ stuck in, and to top ALL that, I have indeed, caught THREE limited edition Pokeman, but the egg is most disagreeable and refuses to drive to Pokestops or gyms,” she said, her voice lowering to a whiisper. “I’m trying Doctor, but these two are, well... _trying_.”

“Us?” Bill asked, amazed.

“Yes, well mostly the egg, you’re much more bearable.”

“Thanks,” Bill said, shaking her head. 

“You’re welcome,” Missy smiled. “See Doctor, it’s all a scene of perfect harmony here - even the annoying one is being quiet now!”

“The annoying one is talking right now, Missy,” Nardole said. 

“Doctor,” Bill said, exasperated. “They don’t _stop_. Do we really need to drive all the way?”

“Ah, they can be a little...fractious together, but it’s fine Bill. Let them bicker, no harm done. See you in three hours!”

“Doctor, no don’t..hang up,” she said, then dropped the phone to her lap in annoyance as the line went dead.

“Did he say what the problem with his TARDIS actually was?” Missy asked. “Because might take ages.”

"Ages," Nardole breathed. "Ages."

They drove on to relative silence, Nardole wishing hard that the peace and quiet would continue and ensure an uneventful trip. His hopes were, unsurprisingly, dashed within moments.

“Why are some of these signs brown?" Missy asked. "And why does that one have a castle on it? I’ve had a few castles of my own, terribly draughty, but wonderful dining.”

“Sites of historical significance, places to visit, humans have day trips to places like that,” Nardole said, before meeting her eyes in the mirror. “ _No_ , we're not making any more stops.”

“Castles...not just one castle, you’ve had a few castles?” Bill asked.

“Well yes, I’ve been up and down the timeline of this planet and the further back you go, the less cosy it gets. Castles always have servants, and they are the height of nobility - dungeons too, and _that_ I can tell you, is pretty useful!”

“Yeah...I've never really needed a dungeon,” Bill said.

“That’s just because you don’t think big! Honestly humans settle for the most ridiculous living arrangements. Where do you even put your prisoners? In your living room? May as well make them tea with a selection of biscuits. Humans! Honestly,” she said, laughing as she smiled victoriously at her phone. 

“Yeah...I don’t have prisoners in my house...most people don’t do that,” Bill said, shaking her head in disbelief. 

“Why are you looking so pleased?” Nardole asked suspiciously. 

“Oh no reason, just feeding my dogs,” she said, smiling brightly at Nardole through the rear view mirror.

“Well, if it keeps you occupied...less chance of...of...trouble...happening…” Nardole blinked, suddenly aware of just how blue Missy’s eyes were. His gaze flitted back and forth from the mirror to the road, Missy’s piercing gaze never quite seeming to leave his field of vision, even when he looked ahead out to the road ahead. 

“No trouble here Nardy, just listen to me, listen to me,” her voice now, no longer in the car, but filling his mind and quite soothingly at that. “Obey me. Drive to the castle. You will obey me.”

"Yes," he said, feeling a incredible sense of calm at her voice as it seemed to wrap around his mind. "Castle."

“Nardole?” Bill asked, frowning as she sat up and locked out of her window. “Why have you turned off here? This is…”

“Castle,” Nardole said. “Going to the castle.”

“Oh how lovely!” Missy exclaimed, putting her phone into her pocket and smiling brightly. “Not all annoying after all Nardy, you came right around to my idea. Maybe you’re a good egg after all.”

“Nardole, what are you doing...are you parking? This is a castle, we can’t stop and visit a castle!” Bill said, utterly confused. 

“Historical significance dear,” Missy said. “I’m sure I’ll learn all manner of interesting earth facts and gain a appreciation for your history etc etc and all that nonsense. Well done egg! Good thinking!”

Bill stared in disbelief as Nardole parked, got out of the car and opened Missy’s door. She jumped out and rounded the car, staring at him as Missy took off quickly to the castle entrance. 

“Come on you too, keep up,” Missy called over her shoulder.

“Nardole, why are you being so nice to her? And why did you come here?”

“What?” he asked, blinking in confusion as he turned to face her. “What are we doing here?”

“You...just drove us here, said we were going to the castle and even opened Missy’s door for her!” 

“No I definitely didn’t do that...how did we get to the castle? Did she teleport us here somehow?” Nardole said in a hushed whisper as they both walked quickly towards Missy’s disappearing form as she walked straight inside. 

"Nardole, she hypnotised you somehow, I didn't even see her do it!"

"No, I've been alone with her more times than I can count and I would know if she could hypnotise me," Nardole said.

"Nardole," Bill said. "Maybe, consider that she can hypnotise you anytime she wants!"

"No, I'm immune to hypnosis," Nardole said determinedly.

"I...really don;t think you are, I’m calling the Doctor,” Bill said, pulling out her phone as they hurried through the entrance. 

“Excuse me - no mobile phones inside the castle please,” came the voice of a nearby tour guide. 

“Oh, ok, I’ll just send a text then switch it off,” Bill said, much to the tour guide’s look of disapproval as she tapped out a message, and slipped it back into her pocket. 

Moments later, the phone vibrated and Bill took it out as discreetly as he could, holding it up to Nardole as she cast him a lock of astonishment.

“A site of historical significance might be a good pit stop. Grab a guidebook, it will do Missy good to to learn about earth’s past at a historcial site. Enjoy”

“Enjoy?” Bill asked. 

“That’s what it says,” Nardole said, shaking his head as they rushed to join Missy who had joined a tour group and was listening intently to a talk that had just begun. 

* * *

The first thirty minutes of the tour were uneventful, so much so that Bill began to forget she was on an unexplained castle visit with a potentially dangerous killer. After a while she noticed Nardole relaxing too, clearly a little bored by the talk, and Missy….stepping over a roped off area and promptly taking a seat on an exquisite throne. 

“Missy,” Narodle hissed. “You’re not supposed to go past the ropes. The public aren't allowed to touch anything.”

“Public shpublic,” Missy scoffed as she smoothed her skirt and sat back in the throne, smiling contentedly. 

“Sorry,” Bill said to the tour guide, who merely stared at Missy. 

“Sorry?” he asked, looking confused. 

“About our..friend, sitting on the throne, I know we're not supposed to touch…” she began before the tour guide stepped forward and turned to face the crowd.

“No one is permitted to touch the exhibits or cross the ropes. Except for Missy. Missy is permitted to do anything that she wishes. Obey Missy.”

“She...she hypnotised him,” Nardole whispered. “I can’t believe she hypnotised him so she could sit on a throne.”

“I..kinda can believe it,” Bill said. 

The tour continued up a winding stone staircase to a small room with turrets overlooking the grounds and the talk moved to weaponry and castle defence. Missy’s eyes sparkled as she took in the speech, enjoying the subject matter immensely. 

“Primitive weapons, bows and arrows,” she said, as he drew his talk to a close. “ Not even precise with no coordinate locking, still, takes some skill, credit where it’s due for piercing vital organs from this kind of distance.”

The tour guide merely smiled in response to her words as the other members of the tour group stared in stunned silence at her.

The tour ended in the castle dungeons, Missy skipping down the stone steps excitedly and stepping up onto a small platform, clapping her hands to gain the attention of the group. 

“Medieval torture is a fascinating topic! These were some fun times in earth history, take it from me. This lovely contraption to my right is especial fun...makes a lovely squelching noise but ever so messy, That’s the trouble with that century - the absolute MESS the torture equipment would leave on the floor! You don't even want to put a carpet down in here, stains would never come out.”

“Yes Missy,” Nardole said. “The problem with medieval torture is the potential for a stained carpet.”

“Mmm hmm. Yes, terrible to ruin a nice comfortable carpet with blood and other assorted bodily fluids.”

The sound of sudden crying broke the stunned silence that followed, and Bill placed her hand on a small child's shoulder, apologising profusely to the mother who was staring in shock at Missy. Missy merely smiled, and declared the talk over, insisting on applause and appreciation for imparting her wisdom. The crowd remained motionless and appalled, only the sound of the, quite hypnotised tour guide, applauding wildly, echoed around the room. 

Nardole breathed a big sigh of relief as they began to move back up the staircase, the end of the castle trip feeling closer and closer. All he wanted was to get back in the car, hope for an uninterrupted drive and and end to the road trip from hell. 

“GIFT SHOP!” Missy squealed, as she took off in the direction of the large shop at the exit.

Nardole rolled his eyes, “ _not again_ , the car is already full after the first stop.”

* * *

Another thirty minutes later, they were finally back in the car, a collection of stuffed toys scattered around Missy’s feet on the ground, discarded almost as quickly as she had chosen them, a pile of confectionery on her lap and a small pile of books on the seat between her and Bill. 

Bill tried to look out of the window and not at the cover of the one entitled: ‘Medieval Crime and Punishment.'

“Sorry but...how _do_ you...know so much about this?” Bill asked and met Nardole's eyes. “I don't wanna know...do I?”

“No we most certainly do not!” Nardole said. 

“Suit yourself and ignore a chance for a history lesson from someone who was actually there - living it, loving it, good times.”

“Yes, Missy, dungeons were knows for their... good times,” Nardole said. 

“Exactly!” she said, as she unwrapped a large stick of rock and brought it to her lips, sucking the extremely sugar sweet.

“How much longer ?” Bill asked, 

“Three and a half hours,” Nardole said, his eyes briefly closing in dismay, “Three and half _hours_. 


	4. Theme Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter came from a prompt by ineternity, that gripped me on sight and I spent all day doing this and only this.

Nardole had enjoyed a further 90 minutes of peace. Bill had relaxed, headphones on as she looked out of the window, the traffic was light and the road ahead clear. Missy had been deeply engrossed in her new phone for a considerable time, so much so that Nardole briefly wondered if she was enacting some kind of frightening plan using it, but the occasional barking sound reassured him somewhat that she was simply completely immersed in her game. 

His eyes flitted to the rear view mirror to see her comfortably reclined, a pink and black cat cushion around her neck, and piles of stuffed toys around her feet, empty sweet wrappers strewn across the seat between her and Bill, but each meticulously folded into an intricate and elaborate design. Mostly animal shapes from his brief glance. She was certainly making an aesthetically pleasing mess of the back seat of the car, he gave her that. 

Yes, peace and quiet finally, Nardole was almost relaxed and dared to hope that the remainder of the journey might be uneventful. 

“What’s that?” 

He closed his eyes briefly at the sound of her voice. 

“Whatever it is, we are absolutely not stopping again Missy,” he said. “No more castles, you’ve frightened enough children on this journey.”

“Oh I’m sure could frighten more, it’s not even dinner time yet, but it’s not a castle. It looks like a carousel. Why would riding on painted ponies on a carousel warrant a special sign?”

“Oh those are theme parks,” Bill said, slipping her headphones off momentarily. 

“Theme parks? What kind of themes?” Missy asked, her attention immediately away from her phone screen.

“Well, they’re all different but they basically have rides, roller coasters, that kind of thing,” Bill said.

Nardole held his breath, awaiting a fresh wave of demands from Missy for immediate attendance to the nearest theme park. 

“Oh,” she said, returning her attention to her game. 

Nardole frowned, wondering if he should be worried by her lack of enthusiasm, but drove on. 

  
  
Missy had been quiet for a very long time, Bill had fallen asleep and Nardole had been silently panicking at the lack of barking coming from the backseat when Missy’s phone rang.

“Doctor! Helloooo, yes it’s ok. They are being less annoying at the moment, but really, if you hadn’t been so jumpy about me having some basic tech, I could’ve reached you by now. I have been working some calculations though - where is your TARDIS….uh...mmm hmmm...you’ve _lost it._ Well that was brilliant of you, what happens if earth needs saving or a cat gets stuck up a tree? Do you have any clever tech? Back up devices?”

Nardole strained to listen as the conversation turned increasingly technical. Despite the decades he had spent with the Doctor and having gained some basic knowledge of TARDIS operations, the conversation, or Missy’s end of the conversation at least, made no sense at all. Eventually she put the Doctor on speaker.

“Nardole! Missy has a very workable idea. She has been refining some calculations and will be able to pick me up much faster, this does involve a..leap of trust, but she’s been doing so well, fixing the car, helping! I think we should all encourage her.”

“Sir! Whatever you have agreed to is going to be a disaster!” Nardole protested as Missy smiled smugly and then stuck her tongue out at him.

“Not at all Nardole, Missy has identified the best location to execute a teleport - she needs a vast structure of metal and the programming she has already worked on, just roll with it Nardole, I checked her calculations, she is just helping, it’s good to encourage this!”

“Doctor, you are letting her take control and this isn’t going to end well!” Nardole said, his voice raising in alarm, causing Bill to turn off her music and glance from Nardole, who wore an expression of fear to Missy, who smiled in delight. "And don't say 'execute' and 'encourage Missy' in the same sentence!"

This didn’t look good at all. 

“Nardole, don’t worry, this is a good exercise in helping for Missy, just listen to her - let’s see how she does!”

The Doctor hung up, Nardole wanted to scream. 

“Farley, egg,” she said and he could hear the smile in her voice without even needing to glance in the mirror. 

“What does that even mean? Is that Gallifreyan?”

“Farley!” she said, already exasperated with him. “It’s a town, we are very close, isn’t that lucky? Large metal structure, public place so no naughty breaking an entering, I’ll have the Doctor teleported here before you can get as far as the fifteenth objection on your no doubt very long list.”

Missy paused and tapped a message out with a deep sigh, smiling as a reply came immediately and she turned the phone around, holding it out for Nardole to see in the mirror. 

_‘Drive to Farley, she knows what she’s doing - Doctor.’_

Nardole gave a deep sigh and drove toward Farley. Missy’s excitement grew with each passing minute. Nardole, was increasingly worried. 

“Ok, Farley is up ahead, but I don't see any large metal structures, are you sure….”

“To the right a bit,” she said, an edge of eagerness to her voice, 

“There’s a field to the right, we can’t drive through a field.”

“Human transportation is tedious,” she said, sighing. “Use my device to guide you, here...52.9874° N, 1.8865° W.”

“Oh, precise. OK, let’s hope the Doctor gets here soon…”

Within fifteen minutes, Nardole pulled into an expansive car park, Bill sitting up and instantly looking around her, frowning. “I recognise this place...where are we?”

“At the crucial location to bring the Doctor to us with the limited tech he has in his pocket, come on Nardy, hurry up and park!”

“Ok, ok, I appreciate your enthusiasm in locating the Doctor I suppose,” he said.

“Nardole…” Bill said warily. “Where are we?”

“Hurry UP!” Missy exclaimed, throwing her pillow to the floor and opening her door as soon as the car stopped. 

“Uh...Missy...as good as it is to want to find the Doctor this…..” Bill began as she and Nardole run rapidly after her. “This is Alton Towers!”

“What’s Alton Towers when it’s at home?” Nardole asked. 

“A theme park,” Bill said, as Missy broke into a run, straight past a long queue of people, to the sound of annoyed comments and a couple of braver shouts that she should ‘queue up like everyone else’. 

Bill and Nardole hurried to catch her up as she leaned close to the ticket seller who smiled as he handed her wrist bands and opened the gate. Nardole closed his eyes and walked straight through the open gate, silently taking the wrist band as Missy handed it to him. 

“You just hypnotised your way into Alton Towers!” Bill said, staring at Missy in disbelief as she took the wrist band. 

“Well nothing gets past _you_ dear, does it?” Missy said, shaking her head. “I see why the Doctor keeps you around. Right, we need to head to The Smiler, perfect location - this way! Follow mummy now and don’t get lost!”

Nardole and Bill exchanged a glance of utter disbelief before hurrying to catch her up as she skipped past rides and stalls, stopping briefly to take, no doubt through more hypnosis, a large pink candy floss on a stick. Twirling from the booth, she took a big bite and made a loud and very satisfied sound, that attracted a number of stares. 

“Yeah, we should be heading to that ride...find the Doctor..” Bill suggested. 

“Mmm, yeah… Doctor...this way,” Missy mumbled, candy floss barely leaving her mouth for a second. 

Missy walked straight past a queue of patiently waiting people and within seconds had climbed into a boat, sitting at the front quite happily as Nardole and Bill raced, mortified at the extensive queue cutting, to join her, climbing into the boat just in time. 

15 minutes later, Nardole was soaking wet, Bill was unzipping her drenched jacket and shaking it before tying it around her waist and Missy was clapping in delight, without a single drop of water anywhere on her as they left the flume ride. 

“How did you stay so dry?” Bill asked, stunned.

“Clever Time Lady magic, what next?” Missy asked, excitedly. 

“Finding the Doctor?!” Nardole exclaimed, cold, wet and rather cross. 

“Oh, yes, I forgot about that!” Missy sad, laughing as she headed off in the direction of a large roller coaster which Nardole hoped with everything in him, that she wasn’t going to sneak on to. 

It took her an impressive ten minutes, attaching her phone to a metal pillar on the roller coaster frame and exchanging a few messages with the Doctor before tapping in commands and eventually standing back, smiling as the Doctor teleported right in front of them. 

“Hello!” he said. “That worked well as expected, well done Missy!”

He observed the three of them, with Missy smiling proudly, her eyes sparkling with enjoyment while Nardole and Bill began both talking at once at once about how awful the entire journey had been. 

“I think, firstly," he said, wincing at the onslaught from both of them. "We should acknowledge how well Missy has done - after all, you would still be stranded at the side of the road without her, and she has made a teleport with very little to work with.”

“Thank you! Haven’t I done well, and don’t I deserve a treat?”

“Well, I’m sure you’ve all had a long drive,” the Doctor began. "So a break might be nice."

“Sir!” Nardole protested, a hand on his hip and a determined look on his face that made Missy want to poke him in the ribs, if he had ribs, she had yet to discover this, but she intended to. “We need to locate your TARDIS! This is urgent! We can’t have a theme park day out!”

\----------

Nardole continued to protest even as he sat behind the Doctor and Missy, restraints securing him to the seat beside Bill.

“I’m not leaving you two alone for a second, so don’t think any roller coasters are happening Missy, a few gentle rides and then back to finding the TARDIS, that’s enough of a treat!”

“Yeah, Nardole, didn't you read the warnings while you were queuing up?” Bill asked, admittedly starting to enjoy herself, but hoping Nardole didn’t scream the entire duration of the ride. It was a distinct possibility.

“It’s a ghost train, I can handle a few scares Bill, I'm not _that_ squeamish,” he said, sounding offended. 

Missy snorted and leaned closer to the Doctor, whispering into his ear, he merely nodded and held on to the bar in front of him, as did she. Nardole got worried.

“Just a ghost train egg man, that’s right,” she said, laughing as the ride set off along a track. 

“Well, this is ok, not even scary,” Nardole said, glancing at Bill who looked far more tense than he expected. “Music’s a bit spooky I suppose…”

The train moved up, heading to what looked like a small drop, Missy giggled, Nardole frowned. 

The train shot down, faster and faster, twisting and turning through the trees as Missy squealed in delight and Nardole screamed in terror. Bill held on tight, feeling utterly exhilarated and wondering if Time Lord’s had theme parks of their own as the train came to a sudden stop inside a dark tunnel. 

“Phew, well survived that!” Nardole said."Right, back to the car."

The background music became louder and much more sinister, Missy chuckled, a sound that scared Nardole more than the menacing music. 

“Hold on Nardole!” the Doctor said, sounding like he was enjoying this even more than Missy was. 

Nardole screamed in terror as, plunged into darkness, the ground gave way beneath the carriage and the train made an abrupt drop down. Suddenly, it shot backwards out into the daylight again, accompanied by non stop screaming from Nardole. When the train came to halt, Bill turned to him, laughing. 

“You can stop screaming now Nardole, it’s over. That was amazing! Can we go on something else?”

“NO we can’t!” Nardole shouted as they all climbed out and Missy looped her arm through the Doctor’s and half skipped as he strode along, straight towards another queue, that neither the Doctor or Bill objected for a second to as Missy went straight up to a VIP queue and immediately gained entry. 

“Can we at least do this with some sense of...of...goodness?” Nardole exclaimed, already shaking in terror as the trains twisted and shot around the large, very fast track. “Maybe queuing up is a good thing….slows down the number of terrifying rides we can fit in….”

“It's fine Nardole! A perfectly safe, harmless day out is a great idea. Missy hasn’t done anything bad of any great significance, and we are having a nice day. Don’t we all need nice days sometimes?” the Doctor said, looking far too eager as he sat beside Missy again, her arm around his shoulders as she laughed happily. 

“This is weird Bill, I don’t like it. She’s done something to him,” he said, feeling significantly sick as he w strapped into the ride. 

“I think that’s just happiness...the Doctor's having fun, it’s kinda nice, he needs this,” Bill said with a grin as she watched the Doctor laugh, holding on to the metal bars as the restraint was secured. 

“Fun...yes, this is f u n,” Nardole muttered, flushing at the mere sound of the buckle securing his restraint harness. 

“Maybe sit the next one out, not like Missy’s going to kill half the park on a whim...is she? Wait...she won’t will she?” Bill said. 

“Never can tell with that one,” Nardole said. “But she’s the Doctor’s responsibility, so now he’s here, this is my last ride…..” he screamed as the ride shot off at top speed.

Missy and the Doctor laughed and cheered as the ride twisted and turned, shooting around. Bill screamed, laughing as the carriages did a complete loop before shooting back toward the start again. She laughed, exhilarated before turning to Nardole, who gripped the two metal bars of his harness with a death like grip, pale and frozen in terror. 

“Oh dear, we broke the butler!” Missy said, with the most intensely fake sympathy that Nardole blinked and wrenched the harness off, getting out to stand in front of her, shaking and looking increasingly paler by the second.

“NO MORE RIDES! WE HAVE TO FIND THE TARDIS!”

“Doctor, if he throws up on my boots, you're buying me new ones,” she said.

“No one is throwing up, we’re having a lovely day!” the Doctor said, and Missy beamed happily, taking his hand and running over to a candy floss stall, acquiring two large pink and green ones this time and handing one to the Doctor. 

“Don’t mind us then!” Bill said, shaking her head and watching the Doctor with intrigue as he smiled, his hand holding Missy’s as they walked on ahead, a lightness to him that she hadn’t really seen before. 

“It’s nice, seeing him like this,” Bill said. “Just a shame she’s so evil.”

“Yeah, and don’t you forget it,” Nardole said, colour slowly starting to return to his face. “Where are they going now?”

They followed the Doctor and Missy to a stall, many large stuffed animals hanging from the ceiling of the tent, and dart boards positioned in a circle around a central pillar. 

“Win me a dog!” Missy exclaimed, taking a bite of candyfloss. 

“Ah, Missy, these games are not designed to make it easy to win.”

“Well what kind of an attitude is THAT Doctor? I stay patiently in a locked room for seventy years and you can’t take five minutes to try and win a stuffed dog. The double standard here is really quite something.”

“It’s hardly a reasonable comparison Missy,” the Doctor said, before realising she had already ‘paid’ for a considerable number of goes via hypnosis. 

“Ok, now just focus and win me that big dog, the extra fluffy one.”

The Doctor glanced at the incredibly oversized, black and white dog and shook his head, it really would be a burden to carry a toy of that size around with them all day and the scene of Missy making Nardole carry it around already played out in his head. It was a headache he didn’t really need, but the pure excitement and almost wholesome joy in her eyes wasn’t something he wanted to dismiss. 

She soon though, began to make loud, annoyed, impatient noises, after the Doctor’s sixteenth attempt. By the twentieth attempt, she began offering tips and suggesting a sonic wave to help control the direction of the dart. Still he insisted on playing by the rules, despite her very reasonable explanation that the rules were clearly not designed to let anyone win, so they were hardly fair and wasn’t he all about standing up for what was right and fair and good and all that nonsense. 

He handed her the dart. 

She won the dog on her first attempt, without even needing to cheat. 

Bill and Nardole had sat it out on a nearby bench, watching the scene unfold with great amusement and considerable fascination on Bill’s part. 

“We should have days out more often, this is quite nice, be honest Nardole, nothing bad has really happened.”

“Yes well, don’t let her lull you into a false sense of security, she’s far more...lethal, than she appears.”

“She makes him happy….there's that,” Bill said.

“Yes, _that,_ ” Nardole said, his eye never leaving the stall.

Six more rides later, all of which Nardole sat out but watched the Doctor and Missy like a hawk and Nardole was still tense as he sat on the bench beside the huge stuffed dog. Bill was enjoying herself, much to Nardole's annoyance. Someone had to feel aggrieved with him, but everyone around him was having fun, as if the entire park were supporting Missy’s day out. It was hardly consistent with the Doctor's oath, but then guarding her body, didn't really specify that a theme park wasn’t a suitable location, and he his nerves were far too shot to bring it up. 

When finally, they reached the exit, Missy dragging the Doctor into the gift shop and holding up toy after toy, each receiving a shake of his head and a pout in response from her, Nardole looked to the exit doors longingly, so close to the terrifying trip being over. 

Missy laughed as she placed a novelty hat on the Doctor, standing back and appraising him with apparent seriousness. 

“Suits you, especially with the flashing lights. Always thought what you were missing was flashing lights on the end of antenna on your head.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes before grabbing several boxes of modelling balloons, and a puzzle. 

“Well, if you get a gift, I want a big tub of sweets,” she said.

“Thought these would be good to take back with you, they're fun and a nice reminder of the day,” he said, an instant sense of regret filling him at the look of dismay that hit her, but was replaced in a split second with nonchalance. 

“Long as I get my sweets,” she said with a shrug. 

He queued up, then turned to Missy, his mouth open in question, not quite wanting to directly ask her to help him obtain their gifts illegally. She grinned and took care of it, Nardole waiting outside to greet them, his arms crossed and an annoyed look on his face.

“If you two are quite finished, and you Doctor are finished encouraging her to steal, we have a TARDIS to find!” Nardole said as he turned and walked to the exit, dragging the giant stuffed dog behind him.

“Ok Nardole, lead the way to the car,” the Doctor said, linking his arm with Missy’s as he glanced at her in concern. “We have to take you back Missy, you know that.”

“Yeah, course,” she said, not meeting his eyes. “Just let me enjoy this day would you?”

“Of course,” he said. “You are though Missy, doing very well, maybe it's time to get out a little more. Not theme parks every day, but perhaps, we start small, my TARDIS to begin with.”

Missy raised an eyebrow, deep in thought, not quite willing to feel the hope that his words brought her. 

"I'll see if I can make room for you in my schedule. Pencil you in," she said dismissively.

Bill moved straight to sit next to Nardole at the front, leaving the Doctor to climb in over piles of toys and souvenirs and the ridiculously large stuffed dog that Missy had carefully strapped in with a seat belt to the centre seat between them. 

“Straight to the last place you saw your TARDIS Doctor, and no stopping!” Nardole said sternly as he started the car. 

The Doctor, leaned forward, reaching around past the giant dog to hand Missy the tub of sweets.

“No stops, yes Nardole.”

They drive in silence for twenty blissful minutes until the Doctor spoke again. 

“It would be very educational and encourage an appreciation of earth history for Missy if we make, just one additional stop,” the Doctor said. 

Nardole swore under his breath. 

  
  
  



	5. Museum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay, I hope you're still reading and will enjoy this. Now 12 is here, I really feel compelled to write another new story because I want a nice big story where Twissy travel together, but I will hopefully have an update for Stuck With You before long....and a Simm/Missy very heated M rated story for the Colony ship series.

Missy had placed her devices onto the Doctor’s lap, content as she sat, leaning against him as she casually poked the back of Nardole’s seat with the tip of her umbrella, dropping it to the floor after a particularly sharp jab and smiling innocently at the screens on the Doctor’s lap. 

“..and this one is Simsy, she is my favourite virtual dog.”

“Doctor, make her stop!” Nardole protested.

“They are just virtual dogs Nardole, I fail to see why you object so strongly to them,” the Doctor said, shaking his head.

“Not the dogs, I’ve endured _them_ for hours, she keeps poking me.”

“Nardole, focus on the road, Missy isn’t doing anything.”

Missy giggled and cuddled up to the Doctor, delighted with the success of her game which she titled ‘Let’s Torment Eggs’ in her head. 

“You always believe her and not me! She’s evil! I’m not!”

“That’s debatable,” Missy said loudly before lowering her voice just loud enough that every word could still be heard. “Do you know he has been _unbearable_ on this trip Doctor, it’s been _very_ trying.”

“I CAN hear you, and I’m the one who's suffering, Sir!”

The Doctor closed his eyes and shook his head as Missy smirked and cuddled up to him. 

“Where are we going Doctor?” Bill asked, admittedly enjoying the trip now that the Doctor was there and there was less risk of being at the whim of an unpredictable homicidal Time Lord….she hoped, anyway. 

“Ah,” he said, opening his eyes and recognising that he was not going to be getting a second of rest. “A museum! Won’t that be nice?”

“Your TARDIS sir? That is a pressing issue here…” Nardole grumbled as he glared at the road ahead. 

“Yes, yes, of course, but we may as well take the opportunity to make a stop - earth history, bit of a field trip for Missy!”

“Mmm, great,” she said, rolling her eyes as she turned to the side, her back against the door as she leisurely stretched out her legs over the Doctor’s lap, her heels digging into Bill’s leg.

“Doctor, we need a bigger car,” Bill said, shuffling closer to the door. 

“It’s not far. Missy, maybe you could..” he began but was met with a vicious glare at the mere suggestion of her not taking up three seats and so he focused on the road ahead. “Not far.”

Twenty minutes later, Nardole gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white as he seethed in absolute anger as a flurry of bubbles continuously came from the back, straight at him. 

“Doctor, are you going to do anything, like STOP her?” he said. 

“I’m hardly doing anything _bad,_ like slaughtering the entire population of the countryside, so let’s not get all upset Nardy,” she said, peering at him through star shaped novelty glasses and laughing as she lounged back, her ankles crossed as her boots rested squarely on Bill’s lap now, stretching comfortably across them both as she continued blowing bubbles at Nardole. 

“Just up ahead, next turning,” the Doctor said, pretending not to notice the discomfort of Bill and Nardole and just hoping peace remained in the car for a few further minutes.

“How far from here did you last see your TARDIS Doctor?” Bill asked. “You said it was on the way.”

“Ah, Don’t believe I quite said _on the way._..more like...a reasonable distance.”

Missy snorted and broke into laughter. “They think they’re going home again.”

“What?" Bill said, taking her earphones out and snapping her round to look at the Doctor in alarm. “What does she mean? We _are_ going home.”

“She’s probably planning to murder us all,” Nardole muttered. "Don't say I didn't tell you so when we're all dead."

“Only if you keep the snark up Egg Man,” Missy said, with an utterly evil glare 

“No one is being murdered, now, just up ahead here - this will be a great museum trip, try to enjoy yourselves!” the Doctor said, with so much enthusiasm, that all three cast looks of distaste at him, until Missy realised they were sharing the moment and countered such a sentiment by blowing a fresh flurry of bubbles at the rear view mirror, obliterating Nardole’s view. 

Once out of the car, Missy marched ahead, arm linked with the Doctor’s as Bill and Nardole traipsed behind them, Nardole muttering his annoyances and certainties that this was all part of some evil plan Missy had concocted, until Bill quickened her step, stopping half way between Nardole, and Missy and the Doctor, not quite sure whether Nardole’s accusations of Missy planning to murder them all, or walking with Missy - who _might well_ be planning to murder them all, were in fact the better option.

“The Museum of childhood,” the Doctor announced, with enough enthusiasm for all four of them. 

“Oh fun! Do they have the children in glass cases?” Missy asked. 

“No, they don’t display...Missy...it’s toys. It’s a museum about toys,” the Doctor said, ignoring the appalled look that Bill and Nardole exchanged.

“Don’t get any ideas about us ending up in glass cases Missy!” Nardole said, arms folded and looking so cross and accusatory that Missy sniggered. 

“Oh how thoughtful of you Eggman, giving me ideas. Toys first though, then we’ll see what…” she said, putting on her very best evil gaze until he squirmed, “I might decide to do to you.”

“Excellent!” The Doctor said, ignoring the entire exchange. “Let’s go in then.”

“Why does she seem scarier now?” Bill whispered. 

“She’s scary all the time Bill, even in novelty glasses,” Nardole whispered back. “Don’t let her fool you.”

Missy giggled and Bill hoped she didn’t have enhanced hearing that worked on whispers. She was fairly sure though, that the likelihood was very high. 

The visit remained mostly uneventful as they walked past exhibits and Nardole began to relax, the Doctor, in full storytelling mode as he happily talked, every corner they turned seeming to spark new memories he had to share. Missy looked around with interest, Nardole half listening to the Doctor as he kept the rest of his attention on her, convinced she was up to something. Soon they moved on into larger displays, rows of coin machines attracting Missy’s attention instantly. 

“Oh! I need coins..” she said, holding out her hand toward Nardole, while standing in front of a machine to ensure no passing children claimed it. “The service here is terrible. COINS!”

“I am not your servant Missy!” Nardole said. 

Missy rolled her eyes and smirked, her plan to annoy Nardole into finding coins for her, shut off as the Doctor dropped a cloth bag into her bag. Her fingers closed around it as she broke into a delighted smile and turned to the machine, pushing a coin into the slot and watching it cascade down, dropping onto a big heap of coins where a metal shelf pushed backwards and forwards. A coin toppled over the edge and Missy put all of the coins quickly into the slot, growling in annoyance as she quickly ran out of money. 

“Sonic,” she said, eyes not leaving the machine and hand outstretch toward the Doctor. 

“The point of the game is,” Nardole began.

“Be a dear,” she said, turning to Bill, when it was clear the Doctor wasn't going to assist her to cheat. "Fetch my umbrella from the car." 

“Umm…” Bill said, nervously looking at the Doctor and hoping he would stop Missy if she tried to kill or hypnotise her. 

“The game isn't designed to win ultimately, the fun is in the playing,” the Doctor said. 

“Humans enjoy putting currency into a slot and watching it fall into a trap and not come back? I’ll add that to my Why the Human Race Should be Ended list.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes and took her arm, nudging her from the machines and into the next area, explaining that the theme was about how children used to be a large workforce on earth until relatively recently. 

“Well, its a useful idea to utilise the untapped workforce of children,” she said. 

“Society evolved to let children be children - exploiting them caused illness, disease and loss of a normal childhood. Humans are only young for a few years, let them have that,” the Doctor said. 

“Your new human works?" Missy said. “You get free chips all the time Doctor!”

“Yes, but Bill isn't a child,” the Doctor said. 

“She can’t be more than 30!” Missy exclaimed. 

Bill stared in disbelief, not sure if Missy was honestly confused about her age or was simply windowing her up again, in truth it was quite hard to tell sometimes. 

“You have to remember that their entire lifespan is really quite short - 150 would be a good age.”

“They’re not still children at 150?”

“I am right here!” Bill said. “Reminders of how short my life span is and how mortal I am, really ruin trips Doctor.”

“Ah, yes, no more talk about human having ridiculously short lives,” the Doctor said. 

"Thanks," Bill said, shaking her head.

“Oh! A dollhouse!” Missy exclaimed, dashing off to a large beautifully crafted victorian dollhouse, kneeling squarely down in front if it and ousting two small children from the optimum spot in the process.

“She’s probably distracting us, bet she’s plotting right now. She’s probably pretending those dolls are us,” Nardole said. 

“Or she’s just enjoying the artistry and accuracy of the people and furnishings. She really does have an affinity with that era,” the Doctor said.

“So she’s just….playing?” Bill asked, “Nothing evil.”

“Well, hard to tell, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt!” the Doctor said. 

Bill crept closer, fascinated as Missy giggled, placing the dolls in different parts of the house and reordering the furnishings with great care. 

“Did you want something poppet?” she said, without even casting her a glance, causing Bill to freeze. 

“Um, no…”

“Then don't ya know it's rude to stare?”

“I...uh...sorry…”

“I think those kids wanted to play with that..” Bill began, then realised it was quite unwise. 

Missy turned her head and glared at the waiting children, smirking as the ran off quickly. 

“I used to have a big collection of these...well, not _quite_ these, these are probably just dolls, not _actual_ shrunken people.”

Bill’s eyes widened and she hurried back to the Doctor, glancing over her shoulder in uncertainty.

"Doctor…." She whispered. "She just said she had a collection of shrunken people. Can she really shrink people?"

"No," the Doctor lied, sounding utterly unconvincing. "Shrink people? Really Bill?"

Missy turned her head toward Bill and smirked.

“And the Doctor would never tell a lie poppet, _that_ wouldn’t be good now would it and the Doctor is oh so very _good_.”

The Doctor decided to discreetly scan her for weapons. Again. Maybe frisk her a little too. She never objected to that. 

Once Missy tired of reminiscing about her favourite hobby, they moved on into the Imagination Gallery, wandering through exhibits of planetary scenes. Missy walked along quite casually and quietly as children ran and crawled through tunnels with images of stars and planets painting on them in glowing paint. 

The Doctor watched her, very aware of the sadness he suddenly sensed coming from her. 

“You ok?” he asked quietly, a hand on her arm. 

Missy dropped her gaze from the cardboard pictures of planets to settle on his hand, her own hesitantly moving until it covered his, her hearts leaping with joy as he stepped to face her, his other hand grasping hers as he looked at her earnestly. 

“Are you Missy?”

“Course I am,” she said. “I’m just preoccupied. Busy thinking evil thoughts, you know me. Might murder your pet to make space in the car.”

“Don't do that,” he said softly. “You don’t have to wear a mask with me, not anymore.”

“Just what are you implying dear?” she said, breaking eye contact as children scurried around them, excitedly, the confused gazes of Nardole and Bill who were edging closer to the exit sign.

“Can I tell you what I think Missy?”

“Well why ask now,?You don’t _usually_ fail to impart your oh so good wisdom on my evil hearts dear.”

“I think this room is making you sad. I miss it too, all of it, you know I do. Before you say it, yes, I have broken our promise and been offworld, we both know that, and that’s not fair on you. Maybe...maybe we can take a trip - just us, nowhere near civilization...temptation...just us and the stars...would you..” he paused, feeling a flash of alarm and guilt at the tears brimming her eyes. “I thought you’d like…”

“Stop Doctor,” she said. “Don’t promise me that, don't you see how cruel that would be? To give me that and then take it again? That’s worse than not seeing it at all for a thousand years.”

“No, no Missy, I wouldn't do that. If we do it - then we could start making regular trips - if it goes well,” he said, his hand leaving her arm to press against her cheek. “I promise you.”

“Oh well then,” she said, her breath catching in her chest as she fought her tears. “Never broken a promise before have you?”

“The one we have is too important - I don't intend to let you down,” he said earnestly. 

“Well then my dear Doctor,” she said, smiling through her tears as she willed them to stop betraying her. “Date night just got more interesting.”

“Exit’s this way!” Nardole called out. 

The Doctor rolled his eyes at the sight of Nardole and Bill in the doorway of the gift shop, looking eagerly at the exit sign. 

The Doctor squeezed Missy’s hand before his touch left her, a flash of need and desperation filling her as she fought the urge to run and grab his hand right back. She took a steadying breath and followed him into the shop, her eyes lighting up at the sight of four aisles very loaded up to the ceiling with gifts and novelty items. 

“Human’s are onto a racket ehre - making everyone exit through gift shops. Human extortion racket, that’s what it is. I should retire from babysitting Time Lords and open a tourist trap gift shop.”

“What’s this?!” Missy called, waving a reward chart in the air. “I want it!”

"I deserve gold stars with what I have to put up with," Nardole scoffed. 

“Missy, these are for earth children,” the Doctor said. 

“Why? Why do they need stars, are they secretly evil?” she said.

“Parents reward them for good behaviour and they get some kind of treat when they complete the chart,“ he said, regretting his words before he had even finished his sentence.

Missy's eyes lit up and she called out to thin air - "Shop keep! We'll take 35 of these!”

“No we will not!” Nardole exclaimed, a hand on his hip in annoyance.

It's harmless Nardole, lets pick our battles and play along,” the Doctor said.

“I've played along for the entire trip, as far as picking battles go, she's led every one,” he said.

A further 30 minutes later, and two bags of unnecessary purchases that Nardole constantly berating the Doctor for approving, they were once again in the car. Nardole felt a flash of relief and finally relaxed when the constant feel of an umbrella poking into his back and bubbles obscuring his view stopped and Missy fell asleep, her head on the Doctor’s shoulder, looking utterly content. 

"Are you sure our evil friend here can find your TARDIS? She might just be enjoying getting out," Nardole said, his voice low for fear of waking her and experiencing her wrath.

"Oh no, very sure, she can always find me," the Doctor said. "Quite the skill really, once she was stuck on a planet, little tech, her TARDIS offworld and still she called me to pick her up."

"Oh, so specific to tracking YOUR TARDIS," Nardole said, shaking his head. "I have questions about the two of you sometimes."

"I have to say Doctor, I do too," Bill said, looking from Nardole to the Doctor, who promptly avoided the subject.

“Well, yes but that is a skill we need Nardole! Let's encourage her to use her talents in positive ways," the Doctor said before pausing and frowning at the vast pile of empty sweet wrappers littering the floor. "Exactly how much sugar have you given her?”

“Given her?! As if she listens to a single word I say” Nardole said. "Besides, I like being alive."

“Shes hard to say no to,” Bill agreed. “She has a terrifying...way of being..terrifying.”

The Doctor smiled slightly in agreement, unable to help the feeling of fondness and affection as she murmured in her sleep, comfortably on his shoulder.

Nardole and Bill both relaxed for over thirty minutes, thirty blissful minutes without bubbles, poking or threats that led to a comfortable, peaceful silence falling as Nardole drove on. Peaceful that is, until Missy abruptly woke, her hands flying to her stomach as she moaned. 

“I feel sick - the egg let me eat too many sweets Doctor!” 

“I DID not!” Nardole said, a look of astonishment directed into the mirror. 

“Let’s not focus on who’s fault it is, just pull over Nardole, she does look pale,” the Doctor said, watching her with concern as the car slowed to a stop at the side of the road.

“In my defense, she is not an easy person to escort across England Doctor!” Nardole said, as Missy opened the door and quickly walked a few meters away, leaning against a tree and taking a breath of air. 

“She’s terrifying Doctor!” Bill said. “Now you're here, we can just get your TARDIS and get her back to the vault before anything happens? What if she does something?”

“She needs to be back in the vault Doctor, she could get away at any moment, she could kill half of England!”

“She’s not going to run or kill half of England Nardole, give her the benefit of the doubt, she’s trying she honestly…”

“Doctor…” Bill said, dread filling her voice, 

“Doctor?!” Nardole said, his voice rising rapidly. 

“She’s left, hasn't she?” the Doctor said. 

“Yeah...a homicidal maniac wandering off alone,” Bill said. 

“Retrieving the Master and convincing her to return to a prison is not in my job description! It’s reminding _you_ to do things like that! _That’s_ my job description!” Nardole exclaimed, becoming more panicked now as they all quickly left the car and glanced at the dense woods at the side of the road. 

“Have you even prepared for this kind of criis?!” Nardole squeaked. “Have you even thought about it?!”

“Should we call someone?” Bill asked.

"There is no Master police!" Nardole said, escalating fast into full blown panic.

“HUSH!” The Doctor said loudly, his mind flitting back to the sadness he felt from her in the museum. “Let me focus, I can’t even sense her with all this noise. I just hope shes ok. “

“Sense her…” Bill frowned. 

“They're an odd lot, Time Lords,” Nardole muttered under his breath. “Wouldn't be surprised if they were talking about us in their minds for the whole drive.”

“They can do that!?” Bill asked. “They’re telepathic?”

The Doctor started to walk into the woods, his focus on shutting out their voices and concentrating only on Missy when she breezed out through the trees, ,casually taking a bite of a leaf tightly compressed into a self made snack. 

“Must your pets make such a scene?" she said, taking another bite.

"Ah, efficient foraging. Feeling better?” he said, a flash of relief flooding through him.

“Mm hmm. Apart from you lot being so noisy," she said, her mental barriers inchin open just enough to send a wave a reassurance back to him, before giving him a little smile and continuing back to the car. "Drive on butler!”

The Doctor sighed in relief as she slipped back into the car, casting them an impatient look before Nardole marched over to the car and wrenched open the drivers door, climbing inside with a dramatic slam of the door.

“I am NOT YOUR BUTLER MISSY!”

Missy smirked as she picked up the bottle of bubbles and stared at him hard in the rear view mirror, imagining the bubbles could dissolve flesh.   
  



End file.
